About PJ

PJ Adams is a psychotherapist and best selling author who splits her time between California and Europe. She enjoys learning French and writing about travel, self help, and other topics. Follow her on Twitter @PJAdams10Facebook, YouTube.

For more information on Meandering Trail Media or PJ Adams Books OR to schedule an interview or book signing, contact: Info@pjadamsbooks.com OR John Birkhead, PR Director, john.birkhead@pjadamsbooks.com,  +1 (760) 707-2577, Fax +1 949-258-8693.

See our France books trailer HERE

See the Intoxicating Greater Paris: Loire book trailer HERE. 

 

See the Intoxicating Southern France book trailer HERE 

See the Intoxicating Paris book trailer HERE     

         

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    PJ Adams

    PJ Adams is a psychotherapist and author in California.

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    Daughter Wisdom: A Lifetime of Loving Letters From a Therapist Mom is a guide for every daughter--young, adult, or seasoned--who is facing the challenges of modern womanhood. The 42 reproducible letters in Daughter Wisdom are a guide to:

    • finding love
    • understanding boys and men
    • becoming street smart and independent
    • dealing effectively with school and work
    • managing addictions to technology, substances, or bad relationships
    • healthy coupling and parenting
    • staying physically and mentally well 
    • coping with divorce and other life challenges
    • maximizing the ripening years
    • and much, much more. 

    Daughter Wisdom will inspire, guide, and celebrate! Coming in July in Paperback and Kindle formats on Amazon!

    Registration: To register for access to the Daughter Wisdom letters and/or forums click here


    Here are some samples of the Daughter Wisdom letters: 

    On Your Birth

    "The day that Amelia arrived, I became someone I had never known before."

    Rhonda, 30

    Dear Daughter,

    It was a grand day when you were born.

    No matter the circumstances of your birth, you arrived. Unique. Special. Refreshingly you.

    No other soul in the universe is exactly like you. It may be difficult to realize, but your mother and father knew this about you. Your mother knew that the life-urge propelled you into being through her body. It propels you even now to unfold, express, create. You can't stop the life urge, because it is you.

    When you were born things also changed for your parents. Parenting a beautiful new soul is a scary thing. You held so much promise. Your parents had nine or so months to dream about how you would grow up and what kind of person you might grow up to be. You embodied many hopes and dreams for your parents--and you came with a lot of responsibility as well. Some parents succeeded at living out that responsibility. Some of them may have failed.

    Can you forgive them for expecting so much of themselves? And of you? We parents don't always know it but parenting a daughter is some of the most important work we will ever do. Unfortunately, it's most often an on-the-job learning experience and you, daughter, reap both the rewards and the consequences.

    You are a blessing nevertheless--no matter what anyone else ever tells you.  

    Remember to honor your start.

    Forgive yourself if you slip up along your journey. Have compassion for the people around you who forget what a gift you are. Most important, remember it for yourself. For you are a spark. A beautiful flash of womanhood. And a daughter forever. 

     

    On Men—Part One

    "Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving

    Than women is that men’s behavior is measured with a feminine ruler."

    Francesca M. Cancian

     Dear Daughter,

    Men can be mesmerizing, maddening, and mysterious. Here are some thoughts that may help you live with them—and love them with compassion as well.

    Sigmund Freud, the great psychoanalyst, is famous for asking: "What do women want?"

    I'd suggest that one of the answers to this question is: “To know what men want.”

    Men are intriguing humans. In some ways they don't resemble females very much except in basic structure. They are broad and barrel-chested. They have extra accoutrements that occupy them a lot. They work hard, play fast, obsess over things like sports or toys or hobbies or technologies. They come from a land of male achievement. They quest for success. They strive and they conquer. They breed, build, and overcome. Mother Nature pushes them out there. If she didn’t, our race would not survive.

    Your land may seem very different, daughter. You gather rather than hunt. You create rather than annihilate (for the most part). You nest and domesticate. But of course it takes both men and women to create one nation. Your kingdoms may converge of course, but the road to the great central sun of harmonious relationships may be arduous and fraught with gender pitfalls unless you take some time to learn about the opposite sex. 

    It's sometimes hard for females to know exactly what men want, I agree. But their bodies provide clues. Men usually have greater upper body strength than women, for example. They build muscle easily. They have thicker skin and bruise less easily than females. They are essentially built for physical confrontation. In fact, a man's skull is almost always denser than a woman's skull. The stereotype that men are more thick-headed than women is not far fetched. Mother Nature actually made them that way to be able to dominate, to survive.

    Compared to women, men’s minds are wired for high-speed activities and reckless behavior. They like to do. They like to make things happen. In general they loathe talking about something when they could actually be doing it--except maybe for locker room talk or debriefing. Other clues to what men want are in their brain structure. At birth, the average boy-brain is about 12-20% larger than a girl-brain. In adulthood, the average man-brain weighs about 11-12% more than a female-brain.

    Some studies even suggest that the corpus callosum or the connective pathway between the right and left hemispheres of the brain is narrower in males than in females. As a result, impulses move back and forth between the right and left hemispheres faster in a female than a male. What are the implications? This means females zip back and forth between left and right brain activities with relative ease. A female can make dinner for eight, fold a load of laundry, and cry over a television sitcom all at the same time and never miss a beat.

    Men, on the other hand, with their narrower corpus callosum, can pack a car trunk or feel sad or angry but they can't do it all at the same time very well. When men are mad, sad, glad, or afraid they are generally stuck there in the feelings for a while. It may take men a bit longer to register emotions, but once they're there, they're there. They enter a cave emotionally because they are physiologically IN the cave--the right male brain. It makes them especially cranky, therefore, when a woman has a ten-minute crying jag, then pops up ready to go to dinner fifteen minutes later. Just because you, daughter, can zip back and forth quickly between thinking and feeling, doesn't mean a man can. And when you do, it sometimes makes him even crankier--or at least confused. (That’s where some of the ideas about “mixed messages” come from.)

    While it may sound stereotypical to say it, men sometimes interpret a feeling as a physical pain like a stomach ache or gas. They are most accustomed to clear feelings--emotions like anger or happiness. When more subtle feelings emerge like disappointment or confusion, they don't always know what the feeling is at first. And they certainly aren't ready to talk to you about the feelings until they are darn good and ready.

    Emotionally, women regurgitate and men constipate. As Grandma Bertie drolly observed, "It all comes out eventually--just not necessarily from the same end."

    Men love you, daughter. But they do their love more than they talk about it. One of the daughters I talk to regularly tells me: "My husband doesn't love me. He doesn't buy me flowers. He doesn't bring me cards. But he did go to Home Depot (a local do-it-yourself mega store) and buy me a ceiling fan that I'd been talking about getting." When I asked her what happened next, she said: "He installed the fan and then we had a big fight. I accused him of not caring about me, of not understanding what I want. Of not loving me. He replied defensively, 'Of course I love you. I bought you a ceiling fan, didn't I?’"

    Daughter, you have to understand metaphorically that you speak “Swahili” and that men speak “Chinese.” You come from different orientations and you use different emotional languages. Men certainly want you to understand them. They want to be understood. This woman's husband was saying in his best Chinese: "I got you this big gift that you wanted. I care. I love you. Deeply, madly, truly. You can see how much I love you when the fan blades go around." To him, this gift was a mink, a diamond necklace, a dinner on the town. Sadly, however, this woman could see only the ceiling fan; she did not try to translate her mate’s Chinese.

    On the other hand, men try very hard to speak a little of your Swahili--especially when they are courting you. They all get a rudimentary Swahili course from television and books (and sometimes from cartoons, their fathers, various females, and each other). I am half joking, but the reality is it’s hard to keep translating a language one doesn't speak naturally OR learn how to mesh verbally if neither of you is willing to learn a little of the others’ lingo. Men want you to understand them. But you may have to stretch a little toward them. And that means learning a little man-speak (Chinese). Think of it as a foreign language. And you can perhaps teach them a little female-speak (Swahili). Not to feminize them, but for you both to culturally meet in the middle. Not to masculinize you, but to afford you a better chance of being comprehended. Both of you can learn about the other’s terrain, explore what the natives feel and experience there, and build skills for translating and actualizing each other’s needs.

    Be a little bi-lingual, daughter. You will have much more fun traveling the countryside with a partner as your understanding companion, rather than your antagonizer, if you do.

     

    Dialog with Patty K., age 32

    PK: We’ve been married three years and my husband just doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t listen to me when I want to talk about my problems at work or with my friends or my family. He just rolls his eyes or tries to fix things.

    PJA: You would like him to understand YOU. To be present with YOU, right?

    PK: Yes. I want him to think about somebody else instead of himself or baseball. I want him to be there for me. I want him to care about me and stay with me when I feel sad and hold me when I feel bad.

    PJA: You may have to teach him a little bit more how to do that.

    PK: Why can’t he just do that? Why doesn’t he just know that? Is he a moron?

    PJA: He’s a man. He’s not you.

    PK: But if he really loved me, he’d know how to do that, wouldn’t he?

    PJA: If you really loved him, would you turn yourself into a baseball-loving sports buff and become man-like?

    PK: I hate baseball.

    PJA: But you might compromise. You might learn a little about baseball so you can have an appreciation for something your husband wants and needs. Chances are you weren’t raised knowing how to understand baseball.  Likewise, your husband wasn’t necessarily raised to understand women or a woman’s needs. But because he is in this marriage with you, chances are he will be a little bit willing to learn how to love you as you want to be loved.

    PK: Why can’t he just be more like my girlfriends? They listen.

    PJA: But you didn’t marry a girlfriend, you married your husband. It’s a life-long journey to understand your path together as a couple, and as a woman and a man. You two can learn together how to listen and understand each other as individuals first, then as a united team building your lives together. Together you can enhance your couple IQ and chances are that eventually you will both be smarter and happier together. It's doable--but it takes some effort, that's all.